Imagine one day you wake up and discover that everything you have known and lived for the last twenty years of your life has been built upon the shifting sands of lies and deceptions. That all of the things you took to be true and to be real, actually were not. That the person you had chosen to share those twenty years with ended up being not a real person at all, but a figment of someone elses' imaginations and desires to present himself to the world as a "normal" individual.
That you were part of the cover.
Imagine finding out that there were people who knew that this person was not who he had represented himself to be, but they never told you. That they had kept truth from you in some effort to prevent you from being hurt, to protect your happiness, whatever. Their motives were pure, however misguided. Remember they are hurting too. They, too, have been deceived and lied to.
Imagine finding out that the one person you had stored all of your faith in and given all your heart to, was not a real person at all, but some fantasy dreamed up in the mind of a very sick and selfish individual whose only motives were to build a happy life for himself without any consideration at all to the people whose lives his selfishness would impact in a very real and long lasting way.
Imagine being stripped of all of your trust, your dignity, your confidence . . . the list goes on and on.
You cry. First you cry.
You cry for having lost what you thought you had. You cry for what never really was. You cry for an unknown future.
You feel betrayed on the very deepest level of humanity. You feel angry on the very deepest level of humanity. You feel hurt on the very deepest level of humanity. You feel broken beyond measure.You don't know how you can ever, will ever . . . go on.
You learn to give up everything, because you have no choice. You very quickly learn what is worth taking with you into the future, because someone else's actions have served to rob you of the past you thought you had.
You try to condense your whole life into 9 small boxes because that is all you have and you are grateful to have even those. Thankfully you have surrounded yourself with good people. Caring people. People who will not let you down, and really, you haven't lost everything. You can't lose what you have never really had.
You quickly realise that there is nothing tangible in this world that matters so much that you cannot leave it behind. That the things which really matter most are the things which cannot be touched with the hands, but the things which can only be reached through the heart. And so you let go . . . of everything and are grateful for the scraps you are able to bring forward with you. Your mother's letters, photographs, your big blue binder, a few bits and pieces.
And you cry some more because you realise that is not all you are going to have to give up.
You will not have to give up the friendships you have made, the relationships you have formed with others throughout the years, but you will have also to give up the one REAL thing you have to show from your last 20 years of life. This is the thing which has hurt me the most. It was not giving up all of my possessions. It was not giving up a selfish man who never cared enough about me to be honest with me from the very beginning. It was having to give up my sweet Mitzie. My constant companion from the minute I woke up in the morning until I closed my eyes at night. This is the thing which has hurt me the most.
And I am most grateful that she has been able to go to a loving and caring home. That knowledge has been a great blessing to me. Her new family has sent me photographs so I can know she is content and being loved. That made my heart smile, but still I cry. I cry for the belly I will never be able to rub again, for those popcorn paws I will never again be able to snuffle, for those loving and understanding all-accepting eyes that I will never be able to look into again, and I cry some more.
And I am so angry.
So very, very angry.
But perhaps I need to be. Maybe that is one step towards healing
that I need to take.
How dare he.
And yet, somehow I let him.
I know that with time things will get better and easier. I just have to get through this broken bit. Yesterday was a good day. I saw Eileen at the doorway (2 meters apart and masked.). It had been 8 years since I have seen her. Although we talk every day. I saw my father (same) whom I had not seen in 18 years. I saw my sister, (again it has been 18 years) not once, but twice. (Also distanced and masked.) The second time she brought me salt and pepper, and a piece of leftover pizza for my breakfast. I talked to my two oldest sons, my brother.
Life will get better. First though . . . you cry. Its only natural. I recognise however that I have some really great blessings in my life. Good people who never asked why, only how. and what they could do for me. Family whose love has always been constant and never-failing. Friends who have prayed and supported me in any way that they can.
I will be okay. I know I will be okay. God is good. I have never doubted that. He, who knows the beginning from the end . . . ever constant . . . always loving . . . caring . . . understanding.
I have had to create new beginnings twice before. I can, and I will do it again. I may have a few wobbles along the way, but I have full confidence that what lays in front of me is going to be good.
Just my thoughts today . . .
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